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My muse and one true love has ventured back home, but she does not see me. She does not see that I breathe the very essence of her, that my beating hearts sole purpose in life is to keep me live to adore and please her. I do not feel very metal, I do not feel very hardcore. Instead I feel as though my skin is on fire and she cannot see the smoke. She married a loser, a pathetic excuse for a man and she bred with him. Little did she know that through each contraction, my body also ached. It ached longing for her, it ached at the reality that she is probably never returning to me, my soulapos;s light dimmed as it set it her first born would not be mine. I had made peace with that and now suddenly she returned. She is here, and she cannot see me... I stand before her but she is too blind to see that I will eternally love her.

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Kenny is back in Germany from Iraq now. The first thing he did was lower my allotment from him and changed the password to our bank account so I couldnapos;t access it. I knew he would pull this kind of shit. I emailed him and told him he has 1 day to raise the allotment, since he is required to pay me a minimum of $1200 a month for housing, if he doesnapos;t I will contact his chain of command. I called the bank and changed the password again. Now that heapos;s back from the war our war is on. Iapos;m gonna need to be strong because he going to keep doing things like this. I donapos;t feel like I can handle this crap. God, I wish heapos;d died in Iraq.

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Ride #3 today. To the gym and back however did not work out because the gym isnapos;t open on Sundays. Instead I met up with some gals to walk. Lesson learned, itapos;s a lot harder to bike up the hills on the way home after a 6 mile walk than it is after a 30 minute workout. But that doesnapos;t mean Iapos;m going to stop biking on Sundays to meet people to walk, rather at least not for that reason. :)

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The baby experiment certainly seems... Interesting.

True enough, Iapos;ve been spared from the horrible reality of waking up in the wee hours of the morning, but Iapos;ve also had three babies suddenly start crying in the middle of class. It makes teaching a bit difficult, if you can imagine.

And Chibisuke Since you have one of those baby things too, does that make me an uncle? Do I get to give it a noisy toy thatapos;ll drive you absolutely crazy? And no, Iapos;m not available for babysitting, Iapos;m afraid. After all, this is a school project; getting such help from a teacher would obviously be cheating. My heart is bleeding for not being able to help you, really it is
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Somehow, or rather.

Im dead again. I think Iapos;m a cat. I think Iapos;ve got 9 lives. I left with .. Let me see, once.. Twice.. Now thrice.. I got 6 lives left ^^

So I believe I have to go thru 6 more shits before I can enjoy my life.

I despise myself too mayu, Iapos;m super duper uber emo depressed fked up . Iapos;m counting my tears, till i get over you. Im so so tired of this. Kill me.

Naive naive naive naive me.

When will i grow up?
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School end slightly early today. Then went to tamp with baby to have our dinner at food culture. Love the tomyam thr.super nice. Baby wanted to buy me guess wallet but thereapos;s only 1 piece left, which is the sample piece thereapos;s super many scratches. So we din buy it. baby bought me hair perfume. Ive been aiming for it since yesterday.heh. Coz i saw it selling at preety-face. The bottle is super-cute. Its so pinky and glittery. Ohh i love the fruity smell i get a free lip balm.� :) ohh guess what? in my previous post i clearly stated there "strictly no shopping" yet i bought 2 tops just now. Errrrrrgh.


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Theme for universal literature essay but I ended up talking about something else and not doing it.
the idea came to me this morning and it seemed fun.

short-short.


in the dark world there first was a whit dot of light. And the dot was with God, and God was the dot. And nothing else but the dot existed in the dark world. our whole world with its emotions, wars, love affairs and famines was closed in the dot. The love, the hate, the pain, the pleasure. Every tree with all its branches and every kind of colorful bird and flower were closed up in the dot, cut down to their essence until they didnapos;t even matter more than a tiny dot of white light in an infinite dark canvas would. all our souls and all our deaths couldnapos;t take up more than just a dot in the universe. All our hopes and aspirations, our will to do good, our need to do evil, the pyramids, the temples, the subways, the atomic bombs. All so useless.

and nothing really matters.
our kind never really mattered, our wars never dared to blacked or lighten the face of the World, not our world but the World, we were never more that a splash of color. And our God never matter and He never cares, our God is but a small portion of our closed dot.

we take up so little.

boo. I think I want to add more but I have to go to school.




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